I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize