Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
