Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
