My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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