I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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