I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
