I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
