i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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