So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
