Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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