just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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