Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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