The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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