so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
