He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize