the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
