allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
