i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
