You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
is it fun? or sober?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
