I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
