we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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