u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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