after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
