sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
