Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
