how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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