No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
