i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
