I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
