11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
