i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize