I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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