I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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