sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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