like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
