Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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