Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
