I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
