you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
