Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
