fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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