apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
