Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am midnight drunk by noon
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
