I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i dont even know how to be here
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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