I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
