Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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