I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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