I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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