I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
