oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And then my night got REAL pukey
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
