I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
