i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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