Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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