well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
