so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
